“What exactly are we going to do?”

A question I’m asked quite regularly at the end of, or during, an initial consultation.
Understandable, of course.
You want to know where you stand.
And yet there is often more to the question than mere curiosity.

Where my work does not begin
My work does not begin with a fixed protocol, step-by-step plan or pre-determined process. Not because structure is unimportant, but because life – as I see it – does not unfold according to schedules.

Fundamental processes such as grief, healing and awareness do not proceed in a linear fashion. They do not follow a fixed pace, a predictable sequence or a predetermined route.

When someone wants to know exactly what is going to happen, we are often still stuck in the mind. In analysis. In anticipating. But healing does not take place in the mind.

Simply allowing for the fact that not everything is predetermined can create tension.

The need behind the question
It requires you to open yourself up to something that may still be unknown. For some, this comes naturally. Others will test whether it is safe. Sometimes this gives rise to a strong need for clarity or control. That is not a shortcoming; it is human. Certainly for people who have been through a lot, predictability is a form of self-protection.

And of course, it’s perfectly fine to ask questions about the process ahead. The question is simply whether a pre-determined plan is realistic (and helpful at all)?
The process itself also requires a certain degree of openness, trust and surrender on your part. Sometimes I explain what the first step of the process is and how we can work on this together. If someone doesn’t seem quite ready yet, providing more information – however clear it may be – can actually be used as an excuse to back out.

This can happen very subtly. Something seems to happen, as if: ‘Oops, this example hits too close to home. We’re not going to do that.’

Safety without control
It often happens that safety is confused with control. As if safety can only exist when everything is under control. In reality, true safety arises sooner: when a client is allowed to follow their own lead and does not have to perform. Nor do they have to understand or anticipate what comes next.

My role in this is not to steer, but to support.To remain present, even when things get tense.

Trust as the true entry point
What I often invite clients to explore is not so much what we are going to do, but: what we gaan doen, maar:

• Can you feel what is happening right now, without wanting to solve it just yet?
• Can you trust in a process that unfolds layer by layer?

Implicitly, these questions invite you to let go of the reflex to understand, interpret or move forward. To temporarily suspend control.

What you can expect
Although the process cannot be set out in a fixed step-by-step plan, it is not aimless.

You can count on:

• a calm, attuned approach in which safety comes first
• working in the here and now, with attention to the body and experience
• no forcing, no pushing, no ‘musts’
• space for integration, at your own pace

And:
Although a process cannot be fully mapped out in advance, this does not mean there is no foundation or direction. An experienced therapist constantly monitors the overall direction of the process. Not by determining in advance exactly what will happen, but by carefully observing what arises, what still needs protection, and where deeper exploration is possible.

Sometimes, for example, someone comes in with fatigue, tension or recurring blockages, whilst underlying trauma only begins to reveal itself later in the process.

It is precisely here that therapeutic experience makes the difference:
not in predicting the process, but in recognising, supporting and guiding what unfolds when the time is right.

The shifting of the question
Insight arises gradually. Not as a starting point, but as a consequence. Understanding follows experience – and not the other way round.

The question:
“What exactly are we going to do?”
thus shifts naturally.

Not towards a pre-determined answer, but towards clarity in the moment.