Parents as a mirror
“A First Encounter with Ourselves”
Our parents are the first people with whom we form a relationship. Even before we can speak, think, make choices, or understand, they are part of the environment in which we come into being. Their presence—and sometimes, ironically, their absence—forms the first mirror in which we experience ourselves.
That mirror is - in my view - never unblemished. Parents carry their own history, pain, unfulfilled desires, beliefs, and survival strategies with them. And that is precisely what makes them such a powerful mirror: not because they are “right” or “wrong,” but because they inevitably confront us with what needs to be seen.
Ingenious creation
The way I see it, we come here to Earth with our own unique, complex “pain package.” It stems from life experiences we’ve had before.
The fascinating thing is that this unique package seems to fit seamlessly into the family system you find yourself in here. In other words: the pain package that your parents and possibly your brothers or sisters carry with them. In doing so, they trigger exactly where you yourself have pain points. So you could say that you didn’t choose your parents for no reason.
From a cosmic perspective, it is an ingenious creation. There is clearly an intelligence at work here that goes far, far beyond what we as humans can conceive.
How are we mirrored?
This happens constantly and in countless ways. For example, in:
How emotions are dealt with (or not dealt with).
Was there room for sadness, anger, or enthusiasm? Or were these topics not discussed?
What is modeled for us.
Children don’t just listen to words; they tune in to what their parents embody. Is there congruence here, or not?
The space that is or isn’t there for who we are.
Am I welcome, and am I allowed to be myself?
And am I allowed to take up space?
Consequently, beliefs about ourselves emerge. Not from a single event, but from the thousands of small moments in which a child gets to know themselves through the reactions of their environment.
The pain of the mirror
The phenomena described above can evoke feelings of loss, anger, grief, or deep loneliness.
It is therefore understandable that many people remain stuck in blame or resistance:
“They should have been different.”
And that is true. That pain deserves to be acknowledged. Without acknowledgment, the pain can remain stuck. That turns it into a prison. When, on the other hand, we get stuck in guilt or victimhood, it continues to control us.
The shift: from judgment to inner work
It can be helpful to ask yourself the following question:
“What does this relationship reveal to me about myself?”
This gives you the space to explore what your parents - with everything they bring - reveal to you about yourself. Parents are then no longer seen as the cause of everything that is “wrong,” but rather as bearers of a mirror that provides direction. That is a fundamentally different approach.
In 'Experiencing and the process of becoming aware' I write about the steps you can take in this process of self-exploration.
From inner work to insight
When you learn to observe your (physical) reaction in contact with the other person, space can open up for insight and liberation. You no longer need to convince, change, or understand the other person. You learn to take responsibility for what it triggers within you. No matter how unfair, painful, or unjust this may feel.
Potential
Where there is pain, there is also potential. The same parents who caused wounds often (paradoxically) also point to:
- your greatest sensitivity
- your deepest wisdom
- your capacity for compassion
- your strength to see through what is wrong
What you had to develop to hold your own often turns out later to be exactly what you have to offer.
Parents are perhaps the most confrontational mirrors we are given.
Those who are willing to (truly) look may discover that behind the pain lies not emptiness, but direction.
Not in spite of them.
But through them.
