Form-identities

Everything that lives moves.
Everything that moves changes.
And everything that changes eventually ceases to exist in its current form.

We humans are part of this too. Our bodies change, our life circumstances change, and the roles we fulfil are constantly shifting. Yet we derive a large part of our sense of identity from precisely these changing forms.

We may be dissatisfied with our bodies or place great value on work, knowledge and social status.

Social media adds a whole world of constructed forms to this. Often, the image presented to the outside world has been polished to look more attractive. It also easily draws you into comparing yourself with others.

Am I successful enough?
Do I look good enough?
Have I got it all together?

When we measure ourselves against that yardstick and seem to fall short, it can make us feel insecure or dissatisfied. But why is it, actually, that these forms have such a huge influence on how we perceive ourselves?

The answer lies, to a large extent, in the way we come to identify with them.


Identifications: when something becomes part of who you think you are
From a young age, we learn to understand the world by naming things and relating to them. It starts with being given a name. We also discover what belongs to us and learn which behaviours are valued.

Gradually, a picture of who we are begins to emerge.

Take, for example, a child who is given a toy and becomes deeply attached to it. When the toy is taken away, the child may become intensely sad or angry. Clearly, the toy has not simply become an object, but something the child experiences as ‘mine’. van mij ervaart.

Later in life, this process shifts to other areas. We may identify with, for example, our physical body, in relationships, at work, or through our knowledge and beliefs.

Suppose you have built up a great deal of knowledge and are recognised for it. You might start to see yourself as someone who knows a lot. If someone then holds a different opinion, you might react with irritation or defensiveness.

It then seems as though more is at stake than just the content of the conversation. Your self-esteem has become linked to the image you have built up of yourself. The thought ‘I know a lot’ has imperceptibly shifted to ‘I am the one who knows and the other person does not.’

There is, therefore, a difference between experiencing something and (partly) identifying with it.

You can hold an opinion without that opinion defining who you are. You can fulfil a role without that role forming your identity. The question, then, is not so much what forms you take on, but to what extent you derive your sense of identity from them.

The ego and our conditioning
The image we have of ourselves consists of thoughts, beliefs, memories, preferences and stories about who we are.

When we derive our sense of identity from such mental constructs, the ego comes into play. It is the identification with the created image and with everything we regard as defining who we are.

There are other factors at play here. To illustrate this, I’ll take a few beliefs that people may hold as examples:

‘I must be strong’
‘I am only valuable when I achieve something’
‘I must be valued by others’

Where do such beliefs come from?

A significant part stems from our upbringing, environment and life experiences. We learn what is right and wrong, which behaviour is valued and what we must do to fit in. This is how conditioning arises: learnt patterns that help determine how we think, feel and react.

Perhaps as a child you learnt that you are mainly appreciated when you perform well. Later on, this can lead you to develop the feeling that you are only valuable when you do something well.

This conditioning then influences not only your behaviour, but also the image you form of yourself.

This is where the concepts come together:
conditionings contribute to the self-image we develop. When we regard that self-image as who we really are, identification arises.

This can limit us. We try to protect the image we have built up of ourselves, want to be proved right, or avoid situations in which we feel vulnerable.

It is important to realise that the ego always needs something to cling to. This could be a possession, a belief, an achievement or even a negative narrative about ourselves. It constantly seeks confirmation of the identity from which it derives its raison d’être.

And as long as you identify with these forms, you are doing exactly the same thing. You look outside yourself for confirmation of who you think you are, because you do not yet see that you are more than that image. It is mind-boggling when you realise how it all works.

The way we think and speak plays a key role in this. For it is precisely in the language we use every day that separation is embedded.

Duality: me versus the other
Language helps us to organise the world. We give things names and distinguish between ourselves and our surroundings.

We speak of my body, my thoughts, my opinion and my life.

This is practical and necessary. At the same time, this way of thinking reinforces the feeling that we are a separate individual standing in opposition to the rest of the world. From that sense of separation, we compare ourselves with others. We want to perform better, be proved right or receive confirmation of the image we have of ourselves.

When beliefs become part of our identity, a difference of opinion can feel like a personal attack. The other person then does not simply have a different view of reality, but appears to be attacking something we regard as part of our very selves.

This may seem minor and relatively harmless. But make no mistake.

Whilst at an individual level this can lead to conflict and division, as human beings we also function as part of a collective. At this collective level, group identities and beliefs can contribute to profound divisions.

And on the basis of these divisions (arising from identifications), violence is inflicted upon others. Look at the history of religions. Throughout history, people have been murdered on a collective scale when they did not ‘believe’ in or support what the religion preached.

The more firmly we fix ourselves within a particular image, the more readily we judge others through the lens of that same image.

Awakening: beyond the veil of self-image
When you are no longer completely absorbed in the flow of your thoughts, space opens up to experience something else. You are more than just your thoughts. Much more, in fact. Beyond your thoughts and the image you have formed of yourself, a deeper presence can be experienced.

Consciously experiencing your inner body can be an important gateway to this presence. Your attention then shifts from what you think and tell yourself to the direct experience of the moment.

This deeper presence is not the same as the self-image you have built up over the course of your life. You can observe that image without completely identifying with it.

And that raises a fundamental question:

Am I really the image I have built up of myself, or am I, in essence, the one who can observe this image?